Monday, July 19, 2010

A Better Future

I am already missing you. I hold a little fuzzy bunny and pretend to be holding you. I can't wait to feel your skin close to mine. You are my everything. So much has been going on in my life since you decided to be. At times it feels that you and I are in this fight for survival together. I need to remind myself that you are there, you are real and in few months you will be in my arms to remind me you are the only thing that matters. i need to remind myself that too often lately.

I am worried for you. I am worried for me. But as long as I know you are still there, hanging on to me and growing I will be fine.Please be there, ignore all the drama outside and be happy in your little innocent world. Soon you will be part of this world and all of its reality. For now ignore it all. Stay there calmly and grow. You will have a beautiful life. You will be a better future.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hate and Anger

The amount of hurt, pain and anger that comes back to me at night, wakes me, makes me cry and keeps me up scares me. I don't know how to deal with it. I am in bed, I woke up shaking and crying in my sleep few minutes ago. I am wide awake now, still shaking, full of anger and hatred. Never in my life I have felt this way. I wish I had slapped her, punched her in the face, called her all the names I believe she deserves. I wish i could shake him so hard and scream so loud so maybe, only maybe he could slightly feel how much he has hurt me, How much pain he has caused. I still love him, I do but this pain, this pain, this pain in my heart feels unbearable at times.
I wonder will I ever heal? Will I ever feel peaceful again? Will I ever forgive?
I want to. I really want to, if not for anything else for this little future growing strongly inside me I want to forgive, I want to be healed. I am nowhere near there. Nights like this are horrifying. I push my teeth together harshly, I push my nails in my own skin hardly and I cry and cry. And I pray that these tears bring me some peace soon.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Up & Down

Don't see it as up and down. See it as growth, as different stages of growing. It is still very difficult to see the growth when you are down. Deep in the lows. But I think life too is as random and crazy as stock market. When you are so frustrated and think you can't take it if it goes down one more day, guess what... It goes even lower for a whole month after that and you and your stocks survive! Not even that a year after that it goes up, goes higher than you could have ever imagined. All you had to do was wait. Wait through it one day at the time. That is my life. That is life.

Friday, July 2, 2010

You are my little future!

I saw you again yesterday.
It was the second time that I got to see you.
You were sleeping on your back. You looked beautiful. I could only see your profile, your little nose, your perfect forehead, the lines of your lips.
Then you hiccuped. your whole body hiccuped! That made me smile.
Then there was a little leg kicking, kicking the whole world, I hoped.
Then there was a little hand. You brought it up, I thought you were going to wave at me. You didn't.
You palmed your face, palmed your forehead to be exact. That, that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.
To this day, the most beautiful thing. It made my heart melt.

You did that whole hand touching forehead again and again and again. It looked as if you were thinking or you were worried. I so wanted to hold you, to kiss your little hand, to hold you in my arms and to calm you down, to calm me down! I so wanted to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be OK. You are my everything. You are my little future. You are my hopes for the future.
I wanted to tell you how much I love you. I never knew love can be this way. I know now. I love you.

I am on my own


YOU hurt ME in a very very bad way. You made me go through such horrible pain. But everyone talks to you about YOU and of course doesn't talk about how you hurt me.

I talk to you about YOU. Your sisters talk to you about YOU. Everyone is worried about YOU. I am worried about YOU. Everyone is trying to help YOU.

Meanwhile that me you hurt so bad is lonely. I feel not only hurt but lonely.

Things seem to be better now, YOU seem to be better now. I am slowly and painfully recovering from the pain you caused.

Now, I have a big hole in me. I know for a fact now that I am alone. Good or bad, I am alone. Beginning a relationship again with that feeling is strange but it is real. I feel hurt, lonely and REAL.

I now know who is on my side. I am on YOUR side. I always have been. YOU are not. To me YOU are not on my side anymore. Neither is your family. It is a harsh thing to say but another thing I learned painfully in the past week is that no one cared to ask even how I felt through all this. That too hurt!

I feel better now. I feel stronger. I feel less pressured to be nice, to be socially responsible. So much have I changed in one week, I am amazed.

I am on my own even beside you. I know that now and that actually doesn't make me sad!

If it is a girl ...

He said, "if it is a girl, I make sure I will show up with a shotgun at the door when her boyfriend shows up the first time!" laughed and continued " so he knows I am not messing around, no one can hurt my daughter"

I thought, I wish all fathers show up at the door with shotgun. I wish mine had.

Better yet, how about neither of them do and instead be responsible for their own wife, fiance, girl friend. How about instead of threatening others not to do horrible things, we begin from ourselves and stop being horrible!

How about you don't hurt your wife? How about you make sure she knows you love her? Easier than that even, how about you not cheat on your pregnant wife who might be carrying the daughter you already have a shotgun ready for his future boyfriend?
Someone possibly like you...