At some point you just give up on some dreams and make new ones. That is the only way of surviving. Giving up sometimes is the only way.

There must be a way to get over some hurtful images faster. There must be a way not to feel bitter through the healing process. Not sure why I feel so bitter again. I miss how we were a week ago. Take me back there.

current mood:
hating life for so many reasons.
I am mad at many people including myself.
Love is not garanteed for life time. Eventually it runs out if you keep giving it and not get enough back in return.
I feel so out of love lately.
Among a non stop crying child, hours and hours of no sleep, too much unknown for the future and a lot of financial worries I should be able to pick the worst I am dealing with these days. The worst is not even in that list. That is how great my life is as of tonight, 1:16 am.
All I can say is, back the f.. off. Enough is enough.

I dont know.

Can I really get through this one? This might be the toughest of them all, mostly because I can't share it with anyone. I can't seek for advice or support. I remember my dad used to say women burry many secrets with them. This is one of those.
Maybe time can help. And I hope Aryanna keeps me sane through it all.

Sometimes I wish I could go. Where, I dont know. Why, not sure.

Baby Aryanna I love you more than life itself. I want you to have a much better life and your world, the future, be much more beautiful than today.

Life has been hard lately. and full of disappointments. A lot of tolerance, a lot of being nice, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving and a lot of hoping for things to get better. I know these all are part of life. I know in time or at the very moment there are many people who have been nice to me, tolerated me, been patient with me and forgave me. I know. But when I look at the passed year, there are too many painful memories that still hurt and make me angry and take a way all my patience.
I feel tired, pushed to the edge and lonely in some moments of my life.

If I was a drinker, this would have been about time to get drunk and do something hurtful. If I was a cheater this would have been about time to fall off that cliff. I am neither. I feel like exploding sometimes. Sometime like this very last few minutes, I felt I have nothing left to give to no one. I wish I were somewhere I didn't know anyone. Somewhere beyond obligations, feelings and memories.

I need to cry more often. If I cry more often these moments of madness will occur less. and I feel sane again. and then I will feel love. Love for my child more than anyone and anything in this world.
And then I can do it all over again...

I never knew I was this hurt. I thought I was over it, or over most of it until now that I was reminded of it. I am sad. I am mad. I am tired. I refuse to accept that me and my life is subjects of family talks and advices. It bothers me a lot more than it should but it DOES.

I feel sad and bottled and bitter. I hate feeling that way but I do.

How many?

How many hateful moments can ruin a lifetime love?
My biggest fear is that it happens before I know it. Before I know it I be searching for the lost love for you, you who I love more than anything in this world.

You are here!

You were born on Jan 5th by c-section. I need to write down your birth story. I need to write more often both when I am sad and when not! Today you turned three months old. We had a horrible night. I had a horrible night. Hopefully you did not.

All that matters is that I am a mommy now! A lot has changed and yet many things are the same. I need to change, I think. I need to adapt and do what is best for you my little future, Aryanna Yalda Joy!

3

Happy three months old baby girl. You will have a better life. And thankfully you won't remember all that happened tonight.