Life has been hard lately. and full of disappointments. A lot of tolerance, a lot of being nice, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving and a lot of hoping for things to get better. I know these all are part of life. I know in time or at the very moment there are many people who have been nice to me, tolerated me, been patient with me and forgave me. I know. But when I look at the passed year, there are too many painful memories that still hurt and make me angry and take a way all my patience.
I feel tired, pushed to the edge and lonely in some moments of my life.

If I was a drinker, this would have been about time to get drunk and do something hurtful. If I was a cheater this would have been about time to fall off that cliff. I am neither. I feel like exploding sometimes. Sometime like this very last few minutes, I felt I have nothing left to give to no one. I wish I were somewhere I didn't know anyone. Somewhere beyond obligations, feelings and memories.

I need to cry more often. If I cry more often these moments of madness will occur less. and I feel sane again. and then I will feel love. Love for my child more than anyone and anything in this world.
And then I can do it all over again...

I never knew I was this hurt. I thought I was over it, or over most of it until now that I was reminded of it. I am sad. I am mad. I am tired. I refuse to accept that me and my life is subjects of family talks and advices. It bothers me a lot more than it should but it DOES.

I feel sad and bottled and bitter. I hate feeling that way but I do.