If something happens, if I never wake up from that surgery, if I never come back home from hospital, I wish she remembers me. I wish she can remember even only one faint memory of me holding her, telling her how much I love her, telling her over and over again, "Aryanna doostet daram."
In July she will be 18 months old, probably she wont remember anything from this age.
It is 9:00 am. I need to get over my random fears and tears, I need to get living...
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Some days are tough to get by
Days like this, today that my left eye is red and watery again. Apparently, I didn't fight the bacteria all the way the fist time. It is so uncomfortable and painful. Light bothers me, I can't shut my eye, I can't lay back because it becomes more teary and it hurts more, I cant sleep and I can't see, literally i see 100 time blurrier than my usual.
Meanwhile there is little curious energetic cute toddler running around wanting my 110% attention. She doesn't understand that I cant see, that i am in pain, that all I want to do is cry and sit and do nothing, until the eye gets better. She just does not.
Being a stay at home mom while worrying for not finding job, not making enough money, financial issues, longer term career goal concerns and millions of other things is hard. It is even harder when you think, things might change only for worse in the next couple of months when I have my surgery to remove the darn tumor.
I am scared of dreaming, planning, hoping for anything further than July, deep down inside, I think, I fear I may not be around!
Luckily, most days i am not sick and i am more hopeful.
I have to come back to this post and edit it, since I am guessing as I type, can't see much.
Life should get easier at some point, I am not waiting for it, I hope it does at some pint in my life. For now, i just live what I am given. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. At least one that I could see less blurry than today.
Meanwhile there is little curious energetic cute toddler running around wanting my 110% attention. She doesn't understand that I cant see, that i am in pain, that all I want to do is cry and sit and do nothing, until the eye gets better. She just does not.
Being a stay at home mom while worrying for not finding job, not making enough money, financial issues, longer term career goal concerns and millions of other things is hard. It is even harder when you think, things might change only for worse in the next couple of months when I have my surgery to remove the darn tumor.
I am scared of dreaming, planning, hoping for anything further than July, deep down inside, I think, I fear I may not be around!
Luckily, most days i am not sick and i am more hopeful.
I have to come back to this post and edit it, since I am guessing as I type, can't see much.
Life should get easier at some point, I am not waiting for it, I hope it does at some pint in my life. For now, i just live what I am given. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. At least one that I could see less blurry than today.
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