It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Depression

It may well be the worst thing I've ever fought and in my struggle list, there are two brain surgeries, immigration all alone, having a c-cestion and baby alone, loss of loved ones, and dealing with some major relationship issues for few years.
Depression: persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Loss of interest is the hardest of the two to fight. And of course resentment, resentment towards all the people you thought they were your people but left you alone, when you needed them most, and worse didn't/wont leave you alone when they should, they just add to your stress.

So I am fighting this thing for a few months now, I barely see through tears as I type but that is very common lately. I do a lot of things through tears and neck and shoulder and jaw pain. I rock a baby to sleep for 20 plus minute every 2-2.5 hours every day and 2-3 times a night(if I am lucky), mostly holding back on tears. I drive a beautiful 4 years old to school 3 mornings a week and back mostly through tears, or holding back on tears. She needs me, every minute of me, everyday and happy motivated version of me who hasn't been around for a while. I drive to grocery store, through tears. I email a guy I did some freelance work to see when and if he plans to pay me, through tears. I cook dinner, through tears ( and a screaming baby who wants to be held and much more). I smile at my daughter's teacher holding back on tears and drive back home to my crying infant or with my crying in fact in the back seat, through tears.
So that is what's happening, fighting depression, on my own. Hoping to get myself out of it without stupid pills like Xanax or Lexapro, this and that. All those things my mom took all her life and I am sure would suggest them to me if she knew any of this but she wont. It was a also a decision to cut off some people from my real life some time ago. Some people can rest assure to hear and see few smiles of me and brief mundane conversations about weather. I tried so hard for years to have more than that with some people. I gave up. It is best not to have a deep, real relationship with some people. Some people are in your life because well, they are. You should let them be happy with mostly pretend smile, stupid things they like or are proud of you about, and weather. There is always weather! It is just less damaging , less consuming that way.
 Some people though, you should just tolerate them, bite your tongue, take deep breaths and tolerate them because well, they never get it, they never change and never go away, in fact they keep coming back and you can't tell them not to. You cant say, 'hey, I am sure you are a good person with good intentions but somehow when you are around I am my worst, you stress the hell out of me, please stop being that way.' You can't say that, they don't get it, they never change.

And some people are awesome, Some people just listen, they don't add stress to your aching shoulders, they take the pain away, with a few words in chat. With an email. With some random far memories. With occasional brief coffee meetings, or too far apart get togethers. They are friends, they are awesome, They get you going, they remind you that life can be good again. Happy again. You should fight for it and tolerate the rest. Because at the end, no one means ill, well mostly no one. At then end, everyone has their own struggles. At the end we are all fighting, some days happy, some days sad. I need to get back on the happy horse, somehow, sick of the tears, sick of the rage, sick of the annoying, stressful moments winning me over for long.

Still here, still there

In that place. The bad place. Still streched out too thin. Still not recovered. Still in tears often. Exhaustion, exhaustion and sadness and sadly resentment. Those are the words that are in and out of my head through the tears.

don't care.

There are moments, hours, days in life that I am just not thankful or hopeful at all. I know there are a lot to be thankful for but I simly can't get over the pain, exhaustion, frustration and so many other negative feelings that cover me lately. I have been strevhed out too thin, for long. I feel lonely and sad and just want to be left alone and don't want to talk about it or try to fix it. I don't have it in me and I know that's bad. I just can't. It either gets better or it doesn't. I am too tired to try to make it better or explain it even. I don't care.
Yes, I am in a bad place.