Are we enough?

Lately, I have been struggling with doing things right on all fronts of my life. I live with a constant guilt, a few actually:
I feel guilty that I don't play enough with my children. I feel guilty that I don't do enough around the house. I feel guilty that as a filmmaker, my work experience, my films are not enough. As a teacher, I feel inadequate most days, despite many encouraging words from my students and coworkers.
There seems to be never enough time for me to do it all or as much as I feel I should. There are times that I fail no matter how hard I try. I have uplifting and inspiring moments but the downs of this roller coaster of life are too many to just sit through.

I came across this article and I find it fitting to my current state. The article is about Tom Hiddleston talking about the one poem that makes him cry and the reasons why.
I admire this man. I use the term admire because I am too old to have a celebrity crush and because my fascination with him has much to do with the way he speaks, his thoughts, his commitment to humanity, to feminism, and to all that is good. He sounds genuinely like a good person, one with struggles of his own, like the rest of us.

"I read this poem often. Once a month at least. In the madness and mayhem of modern life, where every man seems committed to an endless search for approval and esteem of his fellows and peers, no matter what the cost, this poem reminds me of a basic truth: that we are, as we are, ‘enough.’
Most of us are motivated deep down by a sense of insufficiency, a need to be better, stronger, faster; to work harder; to be more committed, more kind, more self-sufficient, more successful. We are driven be a sense that we are not, as we are, ‘enough.’ But this short poem by Derek Walcott is like a declaration of unconditional love. It’s like the embrace of an old friend. We are each of us whole, perfectly imperfect, enough." -TH



Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come when with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, 

whom you ignored
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

for another, who knows you by heart.

http://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia/2014/04/poem-makes-tom-hiddleston-cry-one

Much overdue updates...

Guess What?
He became president.
It affected me and my life and many of the people I care about but we will survive. We always do.
I am part of that we. As much as I feel lonely, I am part of a collective us.
Us and them. Sad to see the world that way. Sadness doesn't take away one bit from reality.
Anyway,
I love teaching.
My most motivating, inspiring and content moments are when I teach.
The rest is just is.
In life, I am either busy to be feel lonely, or I am lonely.
It is what it is.
A few positive things:
William is absolutely cute and shares with me moments that melt my heart.
Aryanna is though. On the surface, less fighting than her brother, in reality one of the biggest challenges of my life. Love is always a challenge. I love her.
Teaching, I love teaching. Teaching is everything I need, the moments that I get to be me and feel that there is a reason for me to be.

Nothing

It is just a thing I do. I take it all for a year then come here and burst into tears and misery of words.
Anyway, sometimes, all you need to do is say F YOU to the whole wide world.

It all becomes so stressful, sad, hopeless and exhausting than you feel you have nothing else to give to fix it, to fix any of it.

On a none personal level, if DT becomes president, America deserves it.
I  have clearly lost all light and hope that I once had in me.

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Depression

It may well be the worst thing I've ever fought and in my struggle list, there are two brain surgeries, immigration all alone, having a c-cestion and baby alone, loss of loved ones, and dealing with some major relationship issues for few years.
Depression: persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Loss of interest is the hardest of the two to fight. And of course resentment, resentment towards all the people you thought they were your people but left you alone, when you needed them most, and worse didn't/wont leave you alone when they should, they just add to your stress.

So I am fighting this thing for a few months now, I barely see through tears as I type but that is very common lately. I do a lot of things through tears and neck and shoulder and jaw pain. I rock a baby to sleep for 20 plus minute every 2-2.5 hours every day and 2-3 times a night(if I am lucky), mostly holding back on tears. I drive a beautiful 4 years old to school 3 mornings a week and back mostly through tears, or holding back on tears. She needs me, every minute of me, everyday and happy motivated version of me who hasn't been around for a while. I drive to grocery store, through tears. I email a guy I did some freelance work to see when and if he plans to pay me, through tears. I cook dinner, through tears ( and a screaming baby who wants to be held and much more). I smile at my daughter's teacher holding back on tears and drive back home to my crying infant or with my crying in fact in the back seat, through tears.
So that is what's happening, fighting depression, on my own. Hoping to get myself out of it without stupid pills like Xanax or Lexapro, this and that. All those things my mom took all her life and I am sure would suggest them to me if she knew any of this but she wont. It was a also a decision to cut off some people from my real life some time ago. Some people can rest assure to hear and see few smiles of me and brief mundane conversations about weather. I tried so hard for years to have more than that with some people. I gave up. It is best not to have a deep, real relationship with some people. Some people are in your life because well, they are. You should let them be happy with mostly pretend smile, stupid things they like or are proud of you about, and weather. There is always weather! It is just less damaging , less consuming that way.
 Some people though, you should just tolerate them, bite your tongue, take deep breaths and tolerate them because well, they never get it, they never change and never go away, in fact they keep coming back and you can't tell them not to. You cant say, 'hey, I am sure you are a good person with good intentions but somehow when you are around I am my worst, you stress the hell out of me, please stop being that way.' You can't say that, they don't get it, they never change.

And some people are awesome, Some people just listen, they don't add stress to your aching shoulders, they take the pain away, with a few words in chat. With an email. With some random far memories. With occasional brief coffee meetings, or too far apart get togethers. They are friends, they are awesome, They get you going, they remind you that life can be good again. Happy again. You should fight for it and tolerate the rest. Because at the end, no one means ill, well mostly no one. At then end, everyone has their own struggles. At the end we are all fighting, some days happy, some days sad. I need to get back on the happy horse, somehow, sick of the tears, sick of the rage, sick of the annoying, stressful moments winning me over for long.

Still here, still there

In that place. The bad place. Still streched out too thin. Still not recovered. Still in tears often. Exhaustion, exhaustion and sadness and sadly resentment. Those are the words that are in and out of my head through the tears.

don't care.

There are moments, hours, days in life that I am just not thankful or hopeful at all. I know there are a lot to be thankful for but I simly can't get over the pain, exhaustion, frustration and so many other negative feelings that cover me lately. I have been strevhed out too thin, for long. I feel lonely and sad and just want to be left alone and don't want to talk about it or try to fix it. I don't have it in me and I know that's bad. I just can't. It either gets better or it doesn't. I am too tired to try to make it better or explain it even. I don't care.
Yes, I am in a bad place.

sigh

You know it has gone too far when the thought of weekend is not only comforting but even more stressing.

My way

I love this old song. I need more music in my life. Music makes any day a better day.

One of those days

that I feel defeated by life.
My 3 years old has a few of her lashes attached to the top lid and inside her eye, very stuck in there causing irritation. 2 pediatricians yesterday couldn't get it out. She was so sweet and cooperative at first. Then she was scared and screamed and cried and asked for help and I felt helpless. No matter how much I explain it to her that I need to help her, she doesn't get it. I just don't see how this can go any better with a pediatrics ophthalmologist. Someone has to pin her down which will immediately cause her to panic. Thus my helplessness.
On a different note, I am almost 6 months pregnant and exhausted and hormonal. Everything bothers me more than it should. It is hot here. I need to get Aryanna out for a little while so that she can have a normal day, nap and sleep. Our whole day and mood depends on that outside time.  There is a park close by that she likes to go. I walk with her in the stroller and then let her play for a while. There is this 40-50 years woman in that park that has raised some red flags in my head. One day, last week, Aryanna was with my dad while I was sitting on a bench, all of a sudden I saw she is holding hands with this woman walking with her, following her,  going through the slides.  She seems nice, strangely interested in my child and ignoring me. I was in shock and didn't think much of it. She showed up the next day again and picked up Aryanna and the whole thing all over while I was trying to figure out why and what? I wanted to scream: lady, you don't have a child in the playground, nor a grandchild why are you here?! Why without even asking for my permission you touch and hug and kiss my child. I asked her a few questions and she offered to babysit Aryanna if I needed help!! We left the park. I came home and read about child abuse and everything this lady has done so far seemed like a text book case of trying to gain my child's trust through making friends with her caregivers, etc.
It is most likely nothing but I freaked out. I was prepared to tell her to back off two days ago at the park. She didn't show up. Today, with Aryanna's eye drama and my backache and general sadness I am dealing with, I don't want to be watching my surroundings in the park like a hawk for this lady and then try to confront her to say BACK OFF!
So we are still home. The weather is getting warmer and I can't seem to entertain Aryanna. I just want this day to end, the eyelash get out of Aryanna's eyes and the lady leave us and the playground alone for ever. None of those things are big deals but they are big enough to make an exhausted pregnant woman worry and put her on the edge of tears all day.  It is one of those days, indeed.

drained

Feeling so very drained, on all fronts.
There is almost always, tomorrow.

On a different note, less selfish note that is, I'm worried for a friend.
Thinking of you and praying for you.

Just wrong

Some days, some weeks, some weekends, some months, some years, So many things, are. Or so they seem too often lately.

So I am pregnant with baby K2! If you could use numbers in a name, I would consider K2, really. The peak. Of course that is very cool.
It took us a while to make the decision, to finish at two instead of one. I'm happy. There are a lot of unknown and worries, mostly for my work situation and where I could be with another baby. I am still hopeful that in 2-3 years, I can go back to working full time and do what I enjoy, my work. I worry how this 3-5 years gap would effect finding a job but I have decided to think m positively.
This pregnsncy has been harder so far.
Things that I miss about not bring pregnant:

1. Picking up and carrying Aryanna whenever.
2. My body, the one that I was happy with for a while, after a long while and a lot of work
3. My mostly flat tummy
4. My Friday night glass of red wine
5. laying on my stomach, doing many other things while laying on my stomach! (This is not Face Book, I say what I want!)

Anyways, here is to a happy healthy baby boy and for summer to go by fast this year.

Happy!

So, E, one of my closest friends was here this past weekend. It was very nice to have her even for only 2 days. I am also very happy since Monday morning. There is this giant smile on my face that wont go away. Little, tiny things that make you smile...

On My Own

It took me about 35 years, living in a foreign country, two major surgeries, a beautiful healthy child and a relatively happy family life to realize: I am very much on my own. 

It does make me wonder how people without family support, without a decent relationship, feel and how harsh that reality is slapped on their face. It is what it is. I think what pains me the most is not the harsh reality of being ultimately alone,  it is pretending otherwise. 

Now,  to go about it, accept it, work with it and make the best of it. 

All Uphill

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill.

We're the ones who draw the line

I woke up this morning from a night full of night terrors. I kept seeing that Aryanna was horribly  sick, I couldn't do anything to help her. Then I saw her little body somehow, in a way that makes no sense, was hanging on the hallway. I got up, tried to wake up Gabe crying in my half sleep/awake state. Thankfully he was tired enough that he looked at me confused and rolled back to sleep. I ran to the hallway with real tears, stood before her door, could hear everything was calm. I  took a deep breath and realized it was another night terror, one that repeated all night. The rest of the night I was tossing and turning and arguing with shadows in our room.

I know where this nightmares come from. I need to write about that in another post. I woke up sad and exhusted. As every morning checked my email and then the news. In the news there was a story about a young Australian man who was jogging outside her girlfriend's home in Oklahoma, he got shot and killed by three bored teenager, according to their own statement they were just bored. What a way to start your morning after such night. I read part of a very touching poem in that article. I looked it up, it is from the song posted below. This is one random blog post, I know. I will write more and more coherently soon. These  words none the least illustrate my current chaotic state of mind about life, health, religion, politics and future. For now, read this beautiful poem that fits my morning, my night, my last week and honestly all that has been lingering on the back of my head for the past few years.

"Everyday Glory"

In the house where nobody laughs
And nobody sleeps
In the house where love lies dying
And the shadows creep
A little girl hides shaking
With her hands on her ears
Pushing back the tears
'Til the pain disappears

Mama says some ugly words
Daddy pounds the wall
They can fight about their little girl later
Right now they don't care at all

No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...

Everyday people
Everyday shame
Everyday promise shot down in flames
Everyday sunrise
Another everyday story
Rise from the ashes and blaze
In everyday glory

In the city where nobody smiles
And nobody dreams
In the city where desperation
Drives the bored to extremes
Just one spark of decency
Against a starless night
One glow of hope and dignity
A child can follow the light

No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...

Everyday people
Everyday shame
Everyday promise shot down in flames
Everyday sunrise
Another everyday story
Rise from the ashes and blaze
In everyday glory

If the future's looking dark
We're the ones who have to shine
If there's no one in control
We're the ones who draw the line
Though we live in trying times
We're the ones who have to try
Though we know that time has wings
We're the ones who have to fly...

from a song called Everyday Glory, written by Neil Peart

It is the same everywhere

Meet most people in the middle and let's do something, or stay where you are, extreme of either left or right and keep yelling to be heard. At some point you will loose your voice, then you have to get closer to us. We will still welcome you. We have been waiting for a while.

It is dark out.

It was dark out. It would have been quiet if not for the occasional car passing by the road across the lake outside, and the small cricket complaining of his loneliness. Inside, by the window, sheltered from the dark, she was sitting on the coach reading in the little light the lamp beside her offered. The night had barely began, two pages into her book, her mind was wandering off to the fixations of her day. There were too much to think about, to worry for, to accomplish and the pages of her book were loosing the fight. She closed her eyes as I listened for any sound,  the quite sound of a door closing perhaps. His fingers reached for mine.

 The room is silent,  no sound from the road, or the lake, or the cricket. The night has only begun.

There is none.

One exhausting week after another. Life is great and I used to hate sarcasm and be hopeful.