Life has been hard lately. and full of disappointments. A lot of tolerance, a lot of being nice, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving and a lot of hoping for things to get better. I know these all are part of life. I know in time or at the very moment there are many people who have been nice to me, tolerated me, been patient with me and forgave me. I know. But when I look at the passed year, there are too many painful memories that still hurt and make me angry and take a way all my patience.
I feel tired, pushed to the edge and lonely in some moments of my life.

If I was a drinker, this would have been about time to get drunk and do something hurtful. If I was a cheater this would have been about time to fall off that cliff. I am neither. I feel like exploding sometimes. Sometime like this very last few minutes, I felt I have nothing left to give to no one. I wish I were somewhere I didn't know anyone. Somewhere beyond obligations, feelings and memories.

I need to cry more often. If I cry more often these moments of madness will occur less. and I feel sane again. and then I will feel love. Love for my child more than anyone and anything in this world.
And then I can do it all over again...

I never knew I was this hurt. I thought I was over it, or over most of it until now that I was reminded of it. I am sad. I am mad. I am tired. I refuse to accept that me and my life is subjects of family talks and advices. It bothers me a lot more than it should but it DOES.

I feel sad and bottled and bitter. I hate feeling that way but I do.

How many?

How many hateful moments can ruin a lifetime love?
My biggest fear is that it happens before I know it. Before I know it I be searching for the lost love for you, you who I love more than anything in this world.

You are here!

You were born on Jan 5th by c-section. I need to write down your birth story. I need to write more often both when I am sad and when not! Today you turned three months old. We had a horrible night. I had a horrible night. Hopefully you did not.

All that matters is that I am a mommy now! A lot has changed and yet many things are the same. I need to change, I think. I need to adapt and do what is best for you my little future, Aryanna Yalda Joy!

3

Happy three months old baby girl. You will have a better life. And thankfully you won't remember all that happened tonight.

...

Long time I haven't posted anything.
Things are much better now. Gabe and I are doing great. he has turned into a much more loving and caring person. He genuinely loves us, me and our little girl and the amount of love and care he shows me has helped me to get over a lot of sad things that happened in the first months of pregnancy.
Our little girl who actually has a name now but would stay a secret until her birth is doing great. Kicking and moving almost all the time. Most times making me smile, sometimes she causes me a lot of trouble, especially when she decides to be somewhere that causes me serious shortness of breath.
I still insist on saying that comparing to many women I know of my pregnancy has been a fairly easy one: I did have nausea and the first three month, some days all day but it wasn't that bad at all and it never interfered with my work or daily routines as much.
Although,as I am getting bigger, things are changing, I am getting uncomfortable doing many things now. Sitting behind a desk and editing, being over to get stuff from lower cabinets or emptying dishwasher is becoming painful. I know this is all part of the deal and I am not happy with myself complaining about it. Today is a bad day though, I have a lot of editing work to do for my job. Luckily, I can work from home when I only have editing work to do. When I have video shoots and meetings of course I have to go to work.
But even working from home is becoming more difficult and painfully slow. Today, I had cramps in my legs and the restless leg syndrome all day. I moved the hard drives from my usual work desk to the dinning table, then moved them to bed, them moved everything to the couch!! Nothing helped really and I am very behind in my work and that scares me. I just feel like crying. I begin each day with list of things I hope to accomplish, big part of it is a work to-do list. i also have some house work items in there and some exercise routine. It really bothers me that day after day I accomplish much less from these lists.
I guess this post is just a rant instead of sitting and crying and be over it. Between too many political and commercial robo-calls and my cat asking for food from 2 hours before when she is supposed to get it and my leg cramps and a belly that doesn't bend in any way, I found myself very exhausted. Sigh!
I hope tomorrow be a better day. I am not getting my hopes up though, I have been saying that for over a week now!

Stronger

I need to be better, stronger for you. Even when I feel the most venerable, the loneliest.
I am so sorry about tonight. I am sorry I allow myself to stress this much. I am sorry the people who are supposed to be all you have, those who are supposed to love you the most, cared about you the least tonight. I am one of them anyways. I can't react to nights like this the same. After all, I am not just responsible for myself anymore. I will try to be better for you, for me and for us.