Please Remember Me

If something happens, if I never wake up from that surgery, if I never come back home from hospital, I wish she remembers me. I wish she can remember even only one faint memory of me holding her, telling her how much I love her, telling her over and over again, "Aryanna doostet daram."

In July she will be 18 months old, probably she wont remember anything from this age.

It is 9:00 am. I need to get over my random fears and tears, I need to get living...

Some days are tough to get by

Days like this, today that my left eye is red and watery again. Apparently, I didn't fight the bacteria all the way the fist time. It is so uncomfortable and painful. Light bothers me, I can't shut my eye, I can't lay back because it becomes more teary and it hurts more, I cant sleep and I can't see, literally i see 100 time blurrier than my usual.
Meanwhile there is little curious energetic cute toddler running around wanting my 110% attention. She doesn't understand that I cant see, that i am in pain, that all I want to do is cry and sit and do nothing, until the eye gets better. She just does not.
Being a stay at home mom while worrying for not finding job, not making enough money, financial issues, longer term career goal concerns and millions of other things is hard. It is even harder when you think, things might change only for worse in the next couple of months when I have my surgery to remove the darn tumor.
I am scared of dreaming, planning, hoping for anything further than July, deep down inside, I think, I fear I may not be around!
Luckily, most days i am not sick and i am more hopeful.
I have to come back to this post and edit it, since I am guessing as I type, can't see much.
Life should get easier at some point, I am not waiting for it, I hope it does at some pint in my life. For now, i just live what I am given. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. At least one that I could see less blurry than today.

She kept her sunglasses on

This little creature wears stylish oversized cream color sunglasses. She is that grown up. I love her so much. She is my arousak, the most beautiful one any girl could dream of. I wish to be around and watch her grow. I really do.

Knowing more about the tumor

A good friend of mine showed a copy of my recent brain MRI report to a neurologist and asked some of my questions, this is what he just told me, " She said it is common to have venous structures in that area. If the surgeon determines that there might be a bleeding risk, an interventional rad goes in and embolizes ("glues") the veins prior to surgery. She said the duke people are really great, they know what they are doing, and you shouldn't worry about it. Having said that, she said you should discuss in detail all the risks (and their likelihood) and then make a decision."
That sounds scary. Very scary. I am back to thinking what if there is a bleeding somewhere, what if they can't stop it...
Why oh why, I am this scared. Death should not be this scary. I need to get over this, I need to  be at peace with this whenever happens. Then there is Aryanna and looking at her makes me cry. What is wrong with me...Why do I think about death this much. Does this mean something? I hope not.

All that you could say to me: Someone Like You

Get it together!

Seriously!

Still scared. Very scared.

Why in the world I am this scared? I have done this thing before, I wasn't this scared. I keep thinking what if I dont wake up? I don't want someone else raising Aryanna.
I really don't. That is what is going through my head over and over and over. Aryanna.
I need to get over this phase. I am uncomfortable with this much doubt and fear.