Just wrong

Some days, some weeks, some weekends, some months, some years, So many things, are. Or so they seem too often lately.

So I am pregnant with baby K2! If you could use numbers in a name, I would consider K2, really. The peak. Of course that is very cool.
It took us a while to make the decision, to finish at two instead of one. I'm happy. There are a lot of unknown and worries, mostly for my work situation and where I could be with another baby. I am still hopeful that in 2-3 years, I can go back to working full time and do what I enjoy, my work. I worry how this 3-5 years gap would effect finding a job but I have decided to think m positively.
This pregnsncy has been harder so far.
Things that I miss about not bring pregnant:

1. Picking up and carrying Aryanna whenever.
2. My body, the one that I was happy with for a while, after a long while and a lot of work
3. My mostly flat tummy
4. My Friday night glass of red wine
5. laying on my stomach, doing many other things while laying on my stomach! (This is not Face Book, I say what I want!)

Anyways, here is to a happy healthy baby boy and for summer to go by fast this year.

Happy!

So, E, one of my closest friends was here this past weekend. It was very nice to have her even for only 2 days. I am also very happy since Monday morning. There is this giant smile on my face that wont go away. Little, tiny things that make you smile...

On My Own

It took me about 35 years, living in a foreign country, two major surgeries, a beautiful healthy child and a relatively happy family life to realize: I am very much on my own. 

It does make me wonder how people without family support, without a decent relationship, feel and how harsh that reality is slapped on their face. It is what it is. I think what pains me the most is not the harsh reality of being ultimately alone,  it is pretending otherwise. 

Now,  to go about it, accept it, work with it and make the best of it. 

All Uphill

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill.

We're the ones who draw the line

I woke up this morning from a night full of night terrors. I kept seeing that Aryanna was horribly  sick, I couldn't do anything to help her. Then I saw her little body somehow, in a way that makes no sense, was hanging on the hallway. I got up, tried to wake up Gabe crying in my half sleep/awake state. Thankfully he was tired enough that he looked at me confused and rolled back to sleep. I ran to the hallway with real tears, stood before her door, could hear everything was calm. I  took a deep breath and realized it was another night terror, one that repeated all night. The rest of the night I was tossing and turning and arguing with shadows in our room.

I know where this nightmares come from. I need to write about that in another post. I woke up sad and exhusted. As every morning checked my email and then the news. In the news there was a story about a young Australian man who was jogging outside her girlfriend's home in Oklahoma, he got shot and killed by three bored teenager, according to their own statement they were just bored. What a way to start your morning after such night. I read part of a very touching poem in that article. I looked it up, it is from the song posted below. This is one random blog post, I know. I will write more and more coherently soon. These  words none the least illustrate my current chaotic state of mind about life, health, religion, politics and future. For now, read this beautiful poem that fits my morning, my night, my last week and honestly all that has been lingering on the back of my head for the past few years.

"Everyday Glory"

In the house where nobody laughs
And nobody sleeps
In the house where love lies dying
And the shadows creep
A little girl hides shaking
With her hands on her ears
Pushing back the tears
'Til the pain disappears

Mama says some ugly words
Daddy pounds the wall
They can fight about their little girl later
Right now they don't care at all

No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...

Everyday people
Everyday shame
Everyday promise shot down in flames
Everyday sunrise
Another everyday story
Rise from the ashes and blaze
In everyday glory

In the city where nobody smiles
And nobody dreams
In the city where desperation
Drives the bored to extremes
Just one spark of decency
Against a starless night
One glow of hope and dignity
A child can follow the light

No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...
No matter what they say...

Everyday people
Everyday shame
Everyday promise shot down in flames
Everyday sunrise
Another everyday story
Rise from the ashes and blaze
In everyday glory

If the future's looking dark
We're the ones who have to shine
If there's no one in control
We're the ones who draw the line
Though we live in trying times
We're the ones who have to try
Though we know that time has wings
We're the ones who have to fly...

from a song called Everyday Glory, written by Neil Peart

It is the same everywhere

Meet most people in the middle and let's do something, or stay where you are, extreme of either left or right and keep yelling to be heard. At some point you will loose your voice, then you have to get closer to us. We will still welcome you. We have been waiting for a while.