Aryanna Yalda Joy

of my life.

Oh aroosak, I miss you so much.

I am happy you won't remember these days.

The night before surgery, Duke University hospital.

Going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't have a will. I told Gabe all that mattered to me, I trust that he will do what I wish should something go wrong.
I emotionally couldn't handle anything more than that. If this surgery goes well. as soon I recover, I will work on a real will, life insurance and all that other stuff.
So the surgery is finally here. I am happy that it will be over soon. I am already missing Aryanna.
Boghz daram. So many things I like to say, I like to scream but I can't, I shouldn't. No one really cares anyway...
Life is hard. I know, I know mine is much better than many others but it is still hard enough sometimes not to love it.
I still want it, every good and bad moments of it that I can get, I want it, especially now with Aryanna more than always. Mommy loves you baby, always, yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Helpful tears

Crying is good. Crying helps.
I need to cry. I need to feel the pain, the frustration and the sadness and get them out in tears...
Crying is good.

1.5

Today is July 5th. Aryanna Yalda is 18 month, 1.5 years old today.
We are still waiting to see my parents immigration case number shows up online so they can come here.
We were waiting for that to happen, any day, a year and half ago. This scares me. My uncle's case with the exact details showed up and he is going to get their visa next week. So my dad should be able to get his visa soon. This waiting has put everyone on the edge. I really hope we know by the end of July since I need to call and schedule my surgery by then. Some days, I absolutely hate waiting and the fact that so much has changed and yet a lot is the same.

Please Remember Me

If something happens, if I never wake up from that surgery, if I never come back home from hospital, I wish she remembers me. I wish she can remember even only one faint memory of me holding her, telling her how much I love her, telling her over and over again, "Aryanna doostet daram."

In July she will be 18 months old, probably she wont remember anything from this age.

It is 9:00 am. I need to get over my random fears and tears, I need to get living...

Some days are tough to get by

Days like this, today that my left eye is red and watery again. Apparently, I didn't fight the bacteria all the way the fist time. It is so uncomfortable and painful. Light bothers me, I can't shut my eye, I can't lay back because it becomes more teary and it hurts more, I cant sleep and I can't see, literally i see 100 time blurrier than my usual.
Meanwhile there is little curious energetic cute toddler running around wanting my 110% attention. She doesn't understand that I cant see, that i am in pain, that all I want to do is cry and sit and do nothing, until the eye gets better. She just does not.
Being a stay at home mom while worrying for not finding job, not making enough money, financial issues, longer term career goal concerns and millions of other things is hard. It is even harder when you think, things might change only for worse in the next couple of months when I have my surgery to remove the darn tumor.
I am scared of dreaming, planning, hoping for anything further than July, deep down inside, I think, I fear I may not be around!
Luckily, most days i am not sick and i am more hopeful.
I have to come back to this post and edit it, since I am guessing as I type, can't see much.
Life should get easier at some point, I am not waiting for it, I hope it does at some pint in my life. For now, i just live what I am given. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. At least one that I could see less blurry than today.

She kept her sunglasses on

This little creature wears stylish oversized cream color sunglasses. She is that grown up. I love her so much. She is my arousak, the most beautiful one any girl could dream of. I wish to be around and watch her grow. I really do.