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Long time I haven't posted anything.
Things are much better now. Gabe and I are doing great. he has turned into a much more loving and caring person. He genuinely loves us, me and our little girl and the amount of love and care he shows me has helped me to get over a lot of sad things that happened in the first months of pregnancy.
Our little girl who actually has a name now but would stay a secret until her birth is doing great. Kicking and moving almost all the time. Most times making me smile, sometimes she causes me a lot of trouble, especially when she decides to be somewhere that causes me serious shortness of breath.
I still insist on saying that comparing to many women I know of my pregnancy has been a fairly easy one: I did have nausea and the first three month, some days all day but it wasn't that bad at all and it never interfered with my work or daily routines as much.
Although,as I am getting bigger, things are changing, I am getting uncomfortable doing many things now. Sitting behind a desk and editing, being over to get stuff from lower cabinets or emptying dishwasher is becoming painful. I know this is all part of the deal and I am not happy with myself complaining about it. Today is a bad day though, I have a lot of editing work to do for my job. Luckily, I can work from home when I only have editing work to do. When I have video shoots and meetings of course I have to go to work.
But even working from home is becoming more difficult and painfully slow. Today, I had cramps in my legs and the restless leg syndrome all day. I moved the hard drives from my usual work desk to the dinning table, then moved them to bed, them moved everything to the couch!! Nothing helped really and I am very behind in my work and that scares me. I just feel like crying. I begin each day with list of things I hope to accomplish, big part of it is a work to-do list. i also have some house work items in there and some exercise routine. It really bothers me that day after day I accomplish much less from these lists.
I guess this post is just a rant instead of sitting and crying and be over it. Between too many political and commercial robo-calls and my cat asking for food from 2 hours before when she is supposed to get it and my leg cramps and a belly that doesn't bend in any way, I found myself very exhausted. Sigh!
I hope tomorrow be a better day. I am not getting my hopes up though, I have been saying that for over a week now!

Stronger

I need to be better, stronger for you. Even when I feel the most venerable, the loneliest.
I am so sorry about tonight. I am sorry I allow myself to stress this much. I am sorry the people who are supposed to be all you have, those who are supposed to love you the most, cared about you the least tonight. I am one of them anyways. I can't react to nights like this the same. After all, I am not just responsible for myself anymore. I will try to be better for you, for me and for us.

Tickles

I felt you for the first time on Sunday August 1st. We were 16 weeks.
Now I know you are a little girl.

Today, working on some project, sitting at my desk, I felt this... fluttering, moving, little kicks for a few minutes so strong that I said, "what are you doing down there?!"

So missy, what are you doing there? You are tickling me!

Can we get back to work? We need to work in the world outside that belly, just so you know!

A Better Future

I am already missing you. I hold a little fuzzy bunny and pretend to be holding you. I can't wait to feel your skin close to mine. You are my everything. So much has been going on in my life since you decided to be. At times it feels that you and I are in this fight for survival together. I need to remind myself that you are there, you are real and in few months you will be in my arms to remind me you are the only thing that matters. i need to remind myself that too often lately.

I am worried for you. I am worried for me. But as long as I know you are still there, hanging on to me and growing I will be fine.Please be there, ignore all the drama outside and be happy in your little innocent world. Soon you will be part of this world and all of its reality. For now ignore it all. Stay there calmly and grow. You will have a beautiful life. You will be a better future.

Hate and Anger

The amount of hurt, pain and anger that comes back to me at night, wakes me, makes me cry and keeps me up scares me. I don't know how to deal with it. I am in bed, I woke up shaking and crying in my sleep few minutes ago. I am wide awake now, still shaking, full of anger and hatred. Never in my life I have felt this way. I wish I had slapped her, punched her in the face, called her all the names I believe she deserves. I wish i could shake him so hard and scream so loud so maybe, only maybe he could slightly feel how much he has hurt me, How much pain he has caused. I still love him, I do but this pain, this pain, this pain in my heart feels unbearable at times.
I wonder will I ever heal? Will I ever feel peaceful again? Will I ever forgive?
I want to. I really want to, if not for anything else for this little future growing strongly inside me I want to forgive, I want to be healed. I am nowhere near there. Nights like this are horrifying. I push my teeth together harshly, I push my nails in my own skin hardly and I cry and cry. And I pray that these tears bring me some peace soon.

Up & Down

Don't see it as up and down. See it as growth, as different stages of growing. It is still very difficult to see the growth when you are down. Deep in the lows. But I think life too is as random and crazy as stock market. When you are so frustrated and think you can't take it if it goes down one more day, guess what... It goes even lower for a whole month after that and you and your stocks survive! Not even that a year after that it goes up, goes higher than you could have ever imagined. All you had to do was wait. Wait through it one day at the time. That is my life. That is life.

You are my little future!

I saw you again yesterday.
It was the second time that I got to see you.
You were sleeping on your back. You looked beautiful. I could only see your profile, your little nose, your perfect forehead, the lines of your lips.
Then you hiccuped. your whole body hiccuped! That made me smile.
Then there was a little leg kicking, kicking the whole world, I hoped.
Then there was a little hand. You brought it up, I thought you were going to wave at me. You didn't.
You palmed your face, palmed your forehead to be exact. That, that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.
To this day, the most beautiful thing. It made my heart melt.

You did that whole hand touching forehead again and again and again. It looked as if you were thinking or you were worried. I so wanted to hold you, to kiss your little hand, to hold you in my arms and to calm you down, to calm me down! I so wanted to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be OK. You are my everything. You are my little future. You are my hopes for the future.
I wanted to tell you how much I love you. I never knew love can be this way. I know now. I love you.

I am on my own

So

YOU hurt ME in a very very bad way. You made me go through such horrible pain. But everyone talks to you about YOU and of course doesn't talk about how you hurt me.

I talk to you about YOU. Your sisters talk to you about YOU. Everyone is worried about YOU. I am worried about YOU. Everyone is trying to help YOU.

Meanwhile that me you hurt so bad is lonely. I feel not only hurt but lonely.

Things seem to be better now, YOU seem to be better now. I am slowly and painfully recovering from the pain you caused.

Now, I have a big hole in me. I know for a fact now that I am alone. Good or bad, I am alone. Beginning a relationship again with that feeling is strange but it is real. I feel hurt, lonely and REAL.

I now know who is on my side. I am on YOUR side. I always have been. YOU are not. To me YOU are not on my side anymore. Neither is your family. It is a harsh thing to say but another thing I learned painfully in the past week is that no one cared to ask even how I felt through all this. That too hurt!

I feel better now. I feel stronger. I feel less pressured to be nice, to be socially responsible. So much have I changed in one week, I am amazed.

I am on my own even beside you. I know that now and that actually doesn't make me sad!

If it is a girl ...

He said, "if it is a girl, I make sure I will show up with a shotgun at the door when her boyfriend shows up the first time!" laughed and continued " so he knows I am not messing around, no one can hurt my daughter"

I thought, I wish all fathers show up at the door with shotgun. I wish mine had.

Better yet, how about neither of them do and instead be responsible for their own wife, fiance, girl friend. How about instead of threatening others not to do horrible things, we begin from ourselves and stop being horrible!

How about you don't hurt your wife? How about you make sure she knows you love her? Easier than that even, how about you not cheat on your pregnant wife who might be carrying the daughter you already have a shotgun ready for his future boyfriend?
Someone possibly like you...

Life

When I opened this account 3-4 months ago, I wanted to write about the subjects that bothered me. Ignorance, lack of tolerance, fear of going forward and getting better, being selfish enough to think you are the chosen one and your God is the one and your answer is the answer to whatever question, not being able to admit mistakes, not being humble, being judgmental and .... those are just a few in that list.

I have a few posts drafted but somehow I could not click on publish. They are saved waiting to be posted sometime or maybe never. Another reason for not publishing some of those notes was the fact that I couldn't seem to write a deserving introduction for this blog. So if you don't have a good start, you think you can't just begin posting random stuff from the middle! At least I thought so.

Today, I felt I have to write. My indescribable urge to write was strong enough that I didn't care much about how to begin, from the middle or even the end, With proper introduction or not. Today, I just decided to write because of the new feeling I have in my heart. This new feeling is not at all about all that bothers me. It is about me and the reasons I simply care to write. And hopefully here I can think out loud how I plan to do something, anything, about all that matters to me.

I know that last sentence is even more confusing than my usual English writing. But bear with me for a little while. I hope as days go by, as the feeling in my heart strengthen and as I try slowly to remember the joy of writing, I can elaborate about that feeling, about the reason that finally got me back to writing.

She has long black eyelashes. Her beautiful eyes are closed. She has brown hair and fair skin. She will be a beautiful woman some day. She is a vivid bright beautiful glass that mirrors my love to infinity. She is my hope for better future, for a peaceful world where our dreams will come true. She is a child deep in her sleep now. She is the future.

words

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

When it comes to blogging, I have been away for long. I think I am ready to be back to the wonderful virtual world of words. The quote from MLK is basically why I decided to write again. I plan to write about what I believe and why I believe. I hope this blog can explain my thoughts and my feelings.