Aryanna Yalda Joy

of my life.

Oh aroosak, I miss you so much.

I am happy you won't remember these days.

The night before surgery, Duke University hospital.

Going to the hospital tomorrow. I don't have a will. I told Gabe all that mattered to me, I trust that he will do what I wish should something go wrong.
I emotionally couldn't handle anything more than that. If this surgery goes well. as soon I recover, I will work on a real will, life insurance and all that other stuff.
So the surgery is finally here. I am happy that it will be over soon. I am already missing Aryanna.
Boghz daram. So many things I like to say, I like to scream but I can't, I shouldn't. No one really cares anyway...
Life is hard. I know, I know mine is much better than many others but it is still hard enough sometimes not to love it.
I still want it, every good and bad moments of it that I can get, I want it, especially now with Aryanna more than always. Mommy loves you baby, always, yesterday, today and tomorrow too.

Helpful tears

Crying is good. Crying helps.
I need to cry. I need to feel the pain, the frustration and the sadness and get them out in tears...
Crying is good.

1.5

Today is July 5th. Aryanna Yalda is 18 month, 1.5 years old today.
We are still waiting to see my parents immigration case number shows up online so they can come here.
We were waiting for that to happen, any day, a year and half ago. This scares me. My uncle's case with the exact details showed up and he is going to get their visa next week. So my dad should be able to get his visa soon. This waiting has put everyone on the edge. I really hope we know by the end of July since I need to call and schedule my surgery by then. Some days, I absolutely hate waiting and the fact that so much has changed and yet a lot is the same.

Please Remember Me

If something happens, if I never wake up from that surgery, if I never come back home from hospital, I wish she remembers me. I wish she can remember even only one faint memory of me holding her, telling her how much I love her, telling her over and over again, "Aryanna doostet daram."

In July she will be 18 months old, probably she wont remember anything from this age.

It is 9:00 am. I need to get over my random fears and tears, I need to get living...

Some days are tough to get by

Days like this, today that my left eye is red and watery again. Apparently, I didn't fight the bacteria all the way the fist time. It is so uncomfortable and painful. Light bothers me, I can't shut my eye, I can't lay back because it becomes more teary and it hurts more, I cant sleep and I can't see, literally i see 100 time blurrier than my usual.
Meanwhile there is little curious energetic cute toddler running around wanting my 110% attention. She doesn't understand that I cant see, that i am in pain, that all I want to do is cry and sit and do nothing, until the eye gets better. She just does not.
Being a stay at home mom while worrying for not finding job, not making enough money, financial issues, longer term career goal concerns and millions of other things is hard. It is even harder when you think, things might change only for worse in the next couple of months when I have my surgery to remove the darn tumor.
I am scared of dreaming, planning, hoping for anything further than July, deep down inside, I think, I fear I may not be around!
Luckily, most days i am not sick and i am more hopeful.
I have to come back to this post and edit it, since I am guessing as I type, can't see much.
Life should get easier at some point, I am not waiting for it, I hope it does at some pint in my life. For now, i just live what I am given. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. At least one that I could see less blurry than today.

She kept her sunglasses on

This little creature wears stylish oversized cream color sunglasses. She is that grown up. I love her so much. She is my arousak, the most beautiful one any girl could dream of. I wish to be around and watch her grow. I really do.

Knowing more about the tumor

A good friend of mine showed a copy of my recent brain MRI report to a neurologist and asked some of my questions, this is what he just told me, " She said it is common to have venous structures in that area. If the surgeon determines that there might be a bleeding risk, an interventional rad goes in and embolizes ("glues") the veins prior to surgery. She said the duke people are really great, they know what they are doing, and you shouldn't worry about it. Having said that, she said you should discuss in detail all the risks (and their likelihood) and then make a decision."
That sounds scary. Very scary. I am back to thinking what if there is a bleeding somewhere, what if they can't stop it...
Why oh why, I am this scared. Death should not be this scary. I need to get over this, I need to  be at peace with this whenever happens. Then there is Aryanna and looking at her makes me cry. What is wrong with me...Why do I think about death this much. Does this mean something? I hope not.

All that you could say to me: Someone Like You

Get it together!

Seriously!

Still scared. Very scared.

Why in the world I am this scared? I have done this thing before, I wasn't this scared. I keep thinking what if I dont wake up? I don't want someone else raising Aryanna.
I really don't. That is what is going through my head over and over and over. Aryanna.
I need to get over this phase. I am uncomfortable with this much doubt and fear.

It is OK

It is OK to be mad. It is OK to be sad. These all are part of it.
The darn thing is back, or rather it has always been there, it is grown big enough to be back in my life.
I have to have a surgery again. It is not even 10 years.
I can't stop thinking about  the "what if"s.
Having Aryanna has made me much more scared for my life. Last time, I wasn't really that scared of the surgery itself. This time I am, very much!
I know I will get over myself and I will deal with it. For now, I am ok. I am reasonable, optimistic one minute and crying, mad, very mad and not all that strong another minute.

It is a process,  I will get there. I just think, it is ok to be mad. I can't be mad at myself for being angry. It is OK to be angry. It is OK.

Meningioma is back?

One week, one MRI,  too many phone calls, many release forms, Fedex shipments, emails and a lot of stressful moments later, I still don't know what exactly is going on inside my brain and what my options are.

I feel scared.  When the doctor's office tells you that the doctor only sees patients on Tuesdays but if there is something that needs immediate attention we schedule a different time and place for the patient to be seen and then you get a call and are asked to go see the doctor on a Friday afternoon in the hospital, you can't help but thinking, there is something that needs immediate attention.

Oh I so hope not. Either I am too optimistic or in denial. I am still praying that there is too much ado about nothing. The minutes and hours cant get to Friday fast enough.

Meanwhile, I look at Aryanna and I just cant imagine myself being away from her even for one night. I love her so much. I miss her little hands holding on to my legs and not letting me go so very much. Oh God please, I am just not ready for being sick, surgery, hospital, radiation or chemotherapy just yet. My parents cant be here either. Please make this be nothing. Please...

Praying...

I am worried. I have this shoulder/neck/head pain that is reminding me of 2003. I have a MRI scheduled for tomorrow after three years. I cant say how I feel, those who love me will feel worried. I am scared.
Can I be one of those lucky ones that their tumor don't grow back? Even if it was a huge one, even if it is around the time they said it might come back...
Feeling emotional and crying about it, makes me feel worse! It can also be a bad sign that something different is going on in my brain again... I hope it is not.

Every morning from behind the bars
My child's eyes smile at me
As I begin happily to sing
His kissing lips near mine.

O God! If I need to fly out one day
From behind these lonesome bars
How will I answer this child's crying eyes?
Let me be, a captive bird am I!


F.F.

Happy Birthday Aryanna Yalda Joy!

On the day of your first birthday, I want to wish you happiness and love. I wish you fall in love with a man or woman who appreciates you and believes that just having you and your love is worth the whole world. I wish you company of a person who will never hurt you, cheat on you and will never question his love for you. If he does hurt you my love, you have to have a limit, for your patience and for your forgiveness. Endless of anything, will bring abuse. Above all, I wish you to be happy with who you are and will be one day. I wish that your ultimate happiness belongs to you only and you wont need someone to make you happy. Sharing the happiness that you already have will make a beautiful life. Have a beautiful life, my one year old love.