Saturday, February 18, 2012

Still scared. Very scared.

Why in the world I am this scared? I have done this thing before, I wasn't this scared. I keep thinking what if I dont wake up? I don't want someone else raising Aryanna.
I really don't. That is what is going through my head over and over and over. Aryanna.
I need to get over this phase. I am uncomfortable with this much doubt and fear.

Friday, February 17, 2012

It is OK

It is OK to be mad. It is OK to be sad. These all are part of it.
The darn thing is back, or rather it has always been there, it is grown big enough to be back in my life.
I have to have a surgery again. It is not even 10 years.
I can't stop thinking about  the "what if"s.
Having Aryanna has made me much more scared for my life. Last time, I wasn't really that scared of the surgery itself. This time I am, very much!
I know I will get over myself and I will deal with it. For now, I am ok. I am reasonable, optimistic one minute and crying, mad, very mad and not all that strong another minute.

It is a process,  I will get there. I just think, it is ok to be mad. I can't be mad at myself for being angry. It is OK to be angry. It is OK.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Meningioma is back?

One week, one MRI,  too many phone calls, many release forms, Fedex shipments, emails and a lot of stressful moments later, I still don't know what exactly is going on inside my brain and what my options are.
I feel scared.  When the doctor's office tells you that the doctor only sees patients on Tuesdays but if there is something that needs immediate attention we schedule a different time and place for the patient to be seen and then you get a call and are asked to go see the doctor on a Friday afternoon in the hospital, you can't help but thinking, there is something that needs immediate attention.
Oh I so hope not. Either I am too optimistic or in denial. I am still praying that there is too much ado about nothing. The minutes and hours cant get to Friday fast enough.
Meanwhile, I look at Aryanna and I just cant imagine myself being away from her even for one night. I love her so much. I miss her little hands holding on to my legs and not letting me go so very much. Oh God please, I am just not ready for being sick, surgery, hospital, radiation or chemotherapy just yet. My parents cant be here either. Please make this be nothing. Please...

Thursday, February 9, 2012


I am worried. I have this shoulder/neck/head pain that is reminding me of 2003. I have a MRI scheduled for tomorrow after three years. I cant say how I feel, those who love me will feel worried. I am scared.
Can I be one of those lucky ones that their tumor don't grow back? Even if it was a huge one, even if it is around the time they said it might come back...
Feeling emotional and crying about it, makes me feel worse! It can also be a bad sign that something different is going on in my brain again... I hope it is not.