Wednesday, December 14, 2011

At some point you just give up on some dreams and make new ones. That is the only way of surviving. Giving up sometimes is the only way.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

There must be a way to get over some hurtful images faster. There must be a way not to feel bitter through the healing process. Not sure why I feel so bitter again. I miss how we were a week ago. Take me back there.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

current mood:
hating life for so many reasons.
I am mad at many people including myself.
Love is not garanteed for life time. Eventually it runs out if you keep giving it and not get enough back in return.
I feel so out of love lately.
Among a non stop crying child, hours and hours of no sleep, too much unknown for the future and a lot of financial worries I should be able to pick the worst I am dealing with these days. The worst is not even in that list. That is how great my life is as of tonight, 1:16 am.
All I can say is, back the f.. off. Enough is enough.

Monday, August 29, 2011

I dont know.

Can I really get through this one? This might be the toughest of them all, mostly because I can't share it with anyone. I can't seek for advice or support. I remember my dad used to say women burry many secrets with them. This is one of those.
Maybe time can help. And I hope Aryanna keeps me sane through it all.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Sometimes I wish I could go. Where, I dont know. Why, not sure.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Baby Aryanna I love you more than life itself. I want you to have a much better life and your world, the future, be much more beautiful than today.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Life has been hard lately. and full of disappointments. A lot of tolerance, a lot of being nice, a lot of patience, a lot of forgiving and a lot of hoping for things to get better. I know these all are part of life. I know in time or at the very moment there are many people who have been nice to me, tolerated me, been patient with me and forgave me. I know. But when I look at the passed year, there are too many painful memories that still hurt and make me angry and take a way all my patience.
I feel tired, pushed to the edge and lonely in some moments of my life.

If I was a drinker, this would have been about time to get drunk and do something hurtful. If I was a cheater this would have been about time to fall off that cliff. I am neither. I feel like exploding sometimes. Sometime like this very last few minutes, I felt I have nothing left to give to no one. I wish I were somewhere I didn't know anyone. Somewhere beyond obligations, feelings and memories.

I need to cry more often. If I cry more often these moments of madness will occur less. and I feel sane again. and then I will feel love. Love for my child more than anyone and anything in this world.
And then I can do it all over again...

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I never knew I was this hurt. I thought I was over it, or over most of it until now that I was reminded of it. I am sad. I am mad. I am tired. I refuse to accept that me and my life is subjects of family talks and advices. It bothers me a lot more than it should but it DOES.

I feel sad and bottled and bitter. I hate feeling that way but I do.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

How many?

How many hateful moments can ruin a lifetime love?
My biggest fear is that it happens before I know it. Before I know it I be searching for the lost love for you, you who I love more than anything in this world.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

You are here!

You were born on Jan 5th by c-section. I need to write down your birth story. I need to write more often both when I am sad and when not! Today you turned three months old. We had a horrible night. I had a horrible night. Hopefully you did not.

All that matters is that I am a mommy now! A lot has changed and yet many things are the same. I need to change, I think. I need to adapt and do what is best for you my little future, Aryanna Yalda Joy!


Happy three months old baby girl. You will have a better life. And thankfully you won't remember all that happened tonight.