The amount of hurt, pain and anger that comes back to me at night, wakes me, makes me cry and keeps me up scares me. I don't know how to deal with it. I am in bed, I woke up shaking and crying in my sleep few minutes ago. I am wide awake now, still shaking, full of anger and hatred. Never in my life I have felt this way. I wish I had slapped her, punched her in the face, called her all the names I believe she deserves. I wish i could shake him so hard and scream so loud so maybe, only maybe he could slightly feel how much he has hurt me, How much pain he has caused. I still love him, I do but this pain, this pain, this pain in my heart feels unbearable at times.
I wonder will I ever heal? Will I ever feel peaceful again? Will I ever forgive?
I want to. I really want to, if not for anything else for this little future growing strongly inside me I want to forgive, I want to be healed. I am nowhere near there. Nights like this are horrifying. I push my teeth together harshly, I push my nails in my own skin hardly and I cry and cry. And I pray that these tears bring me some peace soon.
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