Friday, July 16, 2010

Hate and Anger

The amount of hurt, pain and anger that comes back to me at night, wakes me, makes me cry and keeps me up scares me. I don't know how to deal with it. I am in bed, I woke up shaking and crying in my sleep few minutes ago. I am wide awake now, still shaking, full of anger and hatred. Never in my life I have felt this way. I wish I had slapped her, punched her in the face, called her all the names I believe she deserves. I wish i could shake him so hard and scream so loud so maybe, only maybe he could slightly feel how much he has hurt me, How much pain he has caused. I still love him, I do but this pain, this pain, this pain in my heart feels unbearable at times.
I wonder will I ever heal? Will I ever feel peaceful again? Will I ever forgive?
I want to. I really want to, if not for anything else for this little future growing strongly inside me I want to forgive, I want to be healed. I am nowhere near there. Nights like this are horrifying. I push my teeth together harshly, I push my nails in my own skin hardly and I cry and cry. And I pray that these tears bring me some peace soon.

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